Captain, I strongly recommend we take evasive action

Wonder

Wonder

Never lose your capacity for wonder. When you do, you’ll wonder whatever happened to it. Then you’ll wonder if the reason your life seems to suck so bad is because you lost it at some point. You’ll wonder, “It is just me, or is the world significantly less awesome than it used to be?”

You’ll look back on that Fourth of July night when you were eleven, and how you went with your family to the state fair grounds to watch the Zambelli family put on the fireworks show, and your mom wasn’t drinking for a change, probably because your dad was taking the night off from flirting with the seventeen-year-old popcorn girl, and you were still carrying around the little league trophy you won the week before when your team beat your cross-town rivals, the Jayhawks, for the county championship.

You’ll think back to the way the freshly cut grass smelled like freedom, and summertime, and America as you breathed it in deeply that night, the way your little sister got ice cream all over her face, and how just when you thought the fireworks couldn’t get any better, they launched into the finale and the whole sky became a symphony of colors and sounds and shapes, and everyone cheered and smiled and laughed, and for the whole night everything was right in the world.

You’ll think back on that night and wonder “Is it just me? Or was that night like, a thousand times better than this fucking “Grey’s Anatomy” rerun that’s on TV?”

You’ll wonder. But you’ll never know for sure.

Faith - Backbone of Democracy

Faith is the backbone of our democracy. Many people think it's the Constitution, or free speech, or voting, but that's bullshit. No, America is a great nation because GOD says it is, and HE has more nuclear weapons than anyone.

That's why most Americans want a president to be religious, even if it doesn't matter what religion he believes in.

And it doesn't.

Because, really, there's an infinite number out there to chose from. And whichever one YOU believe, chances are it's the wrong one, so you're going to go to hell. But not before God smites you with lightning and nuclear weapons.

No, You Can't

We're not just looking for a leader for the next four years. We need a leader for the next 10,000 years. No you can't. No, no es possible.

We are not 'dude'. We are not 'man'. We are Motivational

Sometimes you motivate with an inspiring picture. And sometimes you motivate with a clever turn of phrase. For example, did you know the Chinese ideogram for 'crisis' is the same as the one for 'opportunity'? If so, you went to business school.

But sometimes, you motivate by shoving children to the ground. Great leaders throughout history including Alexander the Great, Martin Luther King, and Abraham Lincoln have known this little understood fact about leadership. In fact, Admiral Lord Nelson was about to lose the Battle of Trafalgar before he body-checked sulky 12-year-old boatswain off the bridge of the HMS Victory.



We cannot emphasize enough how good it makes a grown man feel to berate a 14-year-old. Yea, it is a nigh-Godlike rush one receives when, with the full weight of the law behind you, you may tackle said 14-year-old to the ground.

What's that "Erik", if that is indeed your real name? You didn't do anything wrong you say? Perhaps you didn't realize referring to an officer of the law as 'Man' is punishable by (according to the Patriot Act) death by electrocution, so just shut your damn mouth and let the gentleman in the day-glo yellow shirt and shorts scream at you until he gets his sense of self-worth returns. Really, what are they teaching kids these days?

Perfection

Through your hard work and determination, you have reached a level of perfection unparalleled in human achievement. Revel in your glory. But not for long. For in the very act of achieving perfection, you cease to be human and transform into God HIMSELF. Barely will the North Korean judge have time to reluctantly raise his '10' scoring card before your body, having so expertly sliced the water's surface, is instantly transformed into a luminous cloud of radiant energy. We join the crowd of onlookers in genuflection as we accept you as our new God, and evermore shall we wear little gold diving boards around our necks, ceremonially jump into chlorinated water ever Sunday, and ritualistically imbibe the many performance-enhancing drugs necessary to maintain a diver's physique. Thy will be done.

Serenity

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change what we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Also, since we're hopped up on crack and getting a little 'noid waiting for our next shipment of Columbian Zip, give us the ability to stop twitching so badly. Fuck, is that bluejay a narc? Shit...dude, that toad has totally made us. Walk away. Just...c'mon...just walk, we'll work it out with the Escobar brothers later.

Achievement

Yay! You made it to the top of a mountain! Of course, you had to make the difficult decision of leaving three other hikers to their grisly deaths from hypothermia when taking two hours out of your hectic mountain-climbing schedule could have saved them. But then you wouldn't have made it to the summit in time for afternoon tea, and this eX-treme vacation package cost you $8,000, so really, what choice did you have? Good luck getting your ass back down to civilization, you disgusting excuse for a human being.

Imagination

Imagine there's no heaven. It's easy, if you try. Or if, like us, you've just consumed an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms. As the psylocybin courses through your veins, you may find yourself tasting sounds and hearing colors, but relax, that's just your mind expanding. That giant turtle smoking a hookah and quoting Nietzche doesn't mean you any harm, so put down the miter saw you're brandishing so recklessly. Relax, brother. We're all part of the universal stardust, can't you see that man? That world tree, Yggdrasil, doesn't it seem like the axis of the universe, the heart of all reality? What's that Mr. Bunny? You want to impart the secret of the nine runes to us? Lead then, Watership Down. We're taking a trip down the rabbit hole straight through the center of existence and when we exit that great black monolith in the sky we might just find...my God...it's full of stars....

Privately Held

Just once, we'd like to be privately held.

Persistence

Sure, they told you that you only have fifty yard of steps in front of you before you'd fall off a sheer cliff, but are you going to listen to them? Listening is for quitters. Quitting is for quitters. Not hurdling over police barricades that read "Warning! Sheer Cliff Ahead!" is for quitters. Sure, you could have stopped at the abyss's edge, but the difference between those willing to stop before the precipice and you is PERSISTENCE. You're going up those stairs, and then, very rapidly, you're heading straight to the earth, because that is was MEN do. We'll see you at the bottom, sir. Soldier on, you persistent bastard.

Change

Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become. We've been big supporters of change ever since that strange purple pod attached itself to our face and deposited its egg sack into our stomach. The chrysalis we've begun constructing out of our own saliva, feces and hair provides shade in the summer and warmth in the winter, and the second voice that has been speaking in our heads (KILL) provides company during (KILL) lonely nights and (EAT THEIR VISCERA) long days. As our own sense of identity slips away and a new (ALL YOUR BASE) sense of identity begins to overcome (WE ARE LEGION) us, we remember that change (WE ARE BECOMING) is (THE BIRTHING IS COMPLETE)