Boldness

Oftentimes, it is neither the strongest nor the smartest that wins the day, but those most willing to dare. Sure, the Las Vegas magicians told you the Wall of Mystic Fire would keep you safe from Panthra, but did Panthra let that dissuade her from taking bold action? You may be the smarter mammal, but Panthra’s willingness to take the initiative has ensured that you are also the most eaten.

Potential

The greatest ventures often come from the smallest of packages. As the mighty oak grows from the tiniest acorn, or the most overpriced internet company begins as two wankers in a garage, so too can the mightiest warrior sometimes come from the most palm-sized and convenient-to-carry infants.

Is that a chance you're willing to take? Crush the horrifically diminutive child before it grows to enormous proportions and destroys us all!

Leadership

"Live daringly, boldly, fearlessly. Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you."

My large harem of females does all the actual hunting. Mostly I sit around licking myself, eating the largest portion of gazelle corpses my females bring me, and copulating with whomever happens to be in estrus at the time. If that’s not leadership, I don’t know what is.

“The price of defeat is the undeniable knowledge that everyone around you knows you are a failure.”

That’s because you’re a LOSER! That’s right, you LOST! Who cares if it was just a pick-up game with those guys from Accounts Receivable on the twelfth floor? You still lost! Your loving family, volunteer work at the soup kitchen and successful career don’t mean crap, pal, because you LOST! You have no place in Corporate America, you LOSER! Get off this site! Go! You contaminate us all with your filthy, losing presence.

Commitment

"The strongest force in the world is genuine and everlasting commitment".

Actually, the strongest force in the world is rising sea levels (followed by Lava, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Man Determined to Rise). In any event, your blessed union of souls is about to be submerged in a watery grave along with the rest of civilization. Maybe if you hadn’t been so committed to that carbon spewing SUV your devotion would have had a less soggy end?

Determination

"There is in this world no greater force than the force of a man determined to rise".

Except for lava. It’s been a while since we’ve played “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lava, Man Determined to Rise,” but from what we remember, Lava wins that game pretty much every time. In fact, Man Determined to Rise consistently loses to Rock (Thrown at Head), Scissors (Running With), and Paper (Ow! Freaking Papercut!)

Bravery - We're not making this poster or this caption up

"It takes an extraordinary person to face danger and maintain composure."

However, we prefer wearing full body armor and firing from a covered position several kilometers out of enemy range, ideally supported by significant air power and a nearby armor brigade.

The bravery of hand-to-hand combat is great and all, but we prefer to face the dangers of boredom to actual street warfare.

Tenacity

God never closes a door, but He opens a window. Sometimes though, He opens a window AND a trapdoor underneath where you're standing, eroding your precious topsoil and plummeting you to an early death. God can be a Dick like that sometimes.

Focus

Focus helps us collect the best energies of our organization toward a single purpose. The greatest resources cannot be efficiently applied without the ability to focus those resources . . . efficiently . . . I already said that, didn't I . . . did you know the plural of focus is 'foci'? Weird, huh? Anyway, focus . . . or foci in Latin or something . . . and there's a car called the Focus, too. Ford makes it, I think. There's also, I mean, it's just . . . it's just so important, you know? And this picture of a leopard is just really cool . . . where was I?

Ambition

A person’s reach should exceed their grasp. But a person’s weight load should not exceed their hand strength, so it was probably a bad idea to attach your laptop and printer to your harness in the hopes of finally finding a quiet place to work. Ambition bites the nails of success. It also sweatens the palms of retarded adrenaline junkies. While we admire the spirit that led to the attempt, we admired the spectacular crater formed by your sudden descent even more.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in many forms. You can inspire with leadership, with kindness, or with a chainsaw. But the most inspiring thing of all is the sun, because it is an enormous ball of nuclear fire. And if you’re the guy that can hold the sun in your hands without being instantly turned into flaming plasma yourself, brother, you’re the person we want taking us places. If you’re not, stop kidding yourself and drop the sun, before someone gets hurt.

Execution

Elaborately planning the world’s greatest, most picturesque revenge will ultimately feel hollow if you try to use your car battery as a power source, and the guy comes to after an hour. Also, you will probably end up having to ask him for a jump.

Faking It

It’s not about working harder. It’s not even about working smarter. No, it’s about faking it. Did you know that 83% of successful CEOs have no idea what they’re doing? Of course you didn’t, I just made that number up. I FAKED it. But it’s true in spirit. And, in the end, isn’t spiritual truth more important than actual truth?

Of course it is.

Faking it is about more than looking earnest and gesturing with reading glasses with non-prescription lenses. It’s also about wearing a sharp suit, being white, male, waspy, and having the right haircut.

If you can master fakery, you can master anything. Actually, you can’t. But that won’t matter, because fakery is all you need.

I guarantee it.

Humor

Humor is funny. Its the glue that keeps AMERICA great. But sometimes the glue isn't funny. Sometimes that glue is a HOAX DEVICE with many circuit boards and wires coming out of it. That's the double-edged sword that is the glue that is humor. The first edge can stick us together, but the second edge will cut us apart, shut down interstates, and block traffic for hours.

That's why glue, humor and double-edged cutting and thrusting implements need to be regulated in a post 9/11 world. We can't take our glue OR our humor for granted, or we might find them used against us, like a double-edged set of box cutters, or anthrax. Sure, it hurts to give up humor and pranks and nationwide ad campaigns, but those are the sacrifices we as Americans are asked to make in this world, this post 9/11 world, until our enemies are defeated, whoever they may be.

So remember what we are fighting for: FREEDOM. Freedom to laugh. But until that freedom is achieved by the defeat of the evil-doers that are our enemies, we cannot laugh, not even a little, not even for adhesive purposes.

Unity:

Unity is the glue that keeps a pack together. Unity lets many work as one. Sure, you’ve got an alpha dog at the top. You even have Alpha Dawg, starring Justin Timberlake. And that Alpha Dawg may have to keep pack members in line through displays of superiority, growling, winning at foosball, and urination. But losing at foosball and carpet stains are small prices to pay for pack unity. For divided we are wolves, but together we are WOLFPACK!

Unity can also make us behave like a violent pack of wolves, tearing small children and kittens apart. But that’s not the pack’s problem, is it?

GO PACK!

Fortitude

Fortitude is what it takes. When fly fishing in -12 degree temperatures in wet pants, or trying to hold off going to the bathroom during the last five minutes of a movie, FORTITUDE makes it happen. But what is FORTITUDE? It is a FORT. A fort built out of ATTITUDE. Hence: FORTITUDE. And in that attitude-built fort you cannot be conquered, as you raise your drawbridge and declare “No girls allowed in my fort!” From your fort you can cast stones or possibly hot effluence at your enemies, causing them to burn, and call off their siege. From your mighty fort you are impregnable, but you will have no fort in which to avoid pregnation without FORTITUDE.


Fortitude. Good on a cold morning in wet pants. Good in a tree fort.