Motivational Claptrap

Captain, I strongly recommend we take evasive action

2008-02-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Wonder

2008-02-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

Wonder

Never lose your capacity for wonder. When you do, you’ll wonder whatever happened to it. Then you’ll wonder if the reason your life seems to suck so bad is because you lost it at some point. You’ll wonder, “It is just me, or is the world significantly less awesome than it used to be?”

You’ll look back on that Fourth of July night when you were eleven, and how you went with your family to the state fair grounds to watch the Zambelli family put on the fireworks show, and your mom wasn’t drinking for a change, probably because your dad was taking the night off from flirting with the seventeen-year-old popcorn girl, and you were still carrying around the little league trophy you won the week before when your team beat your cross-town rivals, the Jayhawks, for the county championship.

You’ll think back to the way the freshly cut grass smelled like freedom, and summertime, and America as you breathed it in deeply that night, the way your little sister got ice cream all over her face, and how just when you thought the fireworks couldn’t get any better, they launched into the finale and the whole sky became a symphony of colors and sounds and shapes, and everyone cheered and smiled and laughed, and for the whole night everything was right in the world.

You’ll think back on that night and wonder “Is it just me? Or was that night like, a thousand times better than this fucking “Grey’s Anatomy” rerun that’s on TV?”

You’ll wonder. But you’ll never know for sure.

Faith - Backbone of Democracy

2008-02-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

Faith is the backbone of our democracy. Many people think it's the Constitution, or free speech, or voting, but that's bullshit. No, America is a great nation because GOD says it is, and HE has more nuclear weapons than anyone.

That's why most Americans want a president to be religious, even if it doesn't matter what religion he believes in.

And it doesn't.

Because, really, there's an infinite number out there to chose from. And whichever one YOU believe, chances are it's the wrong one, so you're going to go to hell. But not before God smites you with lightning and nuclear weapons.

No, You Can't

2008-02-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

We're not just looking for a leader for the next four years. We need a leader for the next 10,000 years. No you can't. No, no es possible.

We are not 'dude'. We are not 'man'. We are Motivational

2008-02-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you motivate with an inspiring picture. And sometimes you motivate with a clever turn of phrase. For example, did you know the Chinese ideogram for 'crisis' is the same as the one for 'opportunity'? If so, you went to business school.

But sometimes, you motivate by shoving children to the ground. Great leaders throughout history including Alexander the Great, Martin Luther King, and Abraham Lincoln have known this little understood fact about leadership. In fact, Admiral Lord Nelson was about to lose the Battle of Trafalgar before he body-checked sulky 12-year-old boatswain off the bridge of the HMS Victory.

We cannot emphasize enough how good it makes a grown man feel to berate a 14-year-old. Yea, it is a nigh-Godlike rush one receives when, with the full weight of the law behind you, you may tackle said 14-year-old to the ground.

What's that "Erik", if that is indeed your real name? You didn't do anything wrong you say? Perhaps you didn't realize referring to an officer of the law as 'Man' is punishable by (according to the Patriot Act) death by electrocution, so just shut your damn mouth and let the gentleman in the day-glo yellow shirt and shorts scream at you until he gets his sense of self-worth returns. Really, what are they teaching kids these days?

Perfection

2008-02-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Through your hard work and determination, you have reached a level of perfection unparalleled in human achievement. Revel in your glory. But not for long. For in the very act of achieving perfection, you cease to be human and transform into God HIMSELF. Barely will the North Korean judge have time to reluctantly raise his '10' scoring card before your body, having so expertly sliced the water's surface, is instantly transformed into a luminous cloud of radiant energy. We join the crowd of onlookers in genuflection as we accept you as our new God, and evermore shall we wear little gold diving boards around our necks, ceremonially jump into chlorinated water ever Sunday, and ritualistically imbibe the many performance-enhancing drugs necessary to maintain a diver's physique. Thy will be done.

Serenity

2008-02-09T15:20:00.001-08:00

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change what we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Also, since we're hopped up on crack and getting a little 'noid waiting for our next shipment of Columbian Zip, give us the ability to stop twitching so badly. Fuck, is that bluejay a narc? Shit...dude, that toad has totally made us. Walk away. Just...c'mon...just walk, we'll work it out with the Escobar brothers later.

Achievement

2008-02-07T18:42:00.001-08:00

Yay! You made it to the top of a mountain! Of course, you had to make the difficult decision of leaving three other hikers to their grisly deaths from hypothermia when taking two hours out of your hectic mountain-climbing schedule could have saved them. But then you wouldn't have made it to the summit in time for afternoon tea, and this eX-treme vacation package cost you $8,000, so really, what choice did you have? Good luck getting your ass back down to civilization, you disgusting excuse for a human being.

Imagination

2008-02-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine there's no heaven. It's easy, if you try. Or if, like us, you've just consumed an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms. As the psylocybin courses through your veins, you may find yourself tasting sounds and hearing colors, but relax, that's just your mind expanding. That giant turtle smoking a hookah and quoting Nietzche doesn't mean you any harm, so put down the miter saw you're brandishing so recklessly. Relax, brother. We're all part of the universal stardust, can't you see that man? That world tree, Yggdrasil, doesn't it seem like the axis of the universe, the heart of all reality? What's that Mr. Bunny? You want to impart the secret of the nine runes to us? Lead then, Watership Down. We're taking a trip down the rabbit hole straight through the center of existence and when we exit that great black monolith in the sky we might just find...my God...it's full of stars....

Privately Held

2008-01-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Just once, we'd like to be privately held.

Persistence

2008-01-29T16:42:00.002-08:00

Sure, they told you that you only have fifty yard of steps in front of you before you'd fall off a sheer cliff, but are you going to listen to them? Listening is for quitters. Quitting is for quitters. Not hurdling over police barricades that read "Warning! Sheer Cliff Ahead!" is for quitters. Sure, you could have stopped at the abyss's edge, but the difference between those willing to stop before the precipice and you is PERSISTENCE. You're going up those stairs, and then, very rapidly, you're heading straight to the earth, because that is was MEN do. We'll see you at the bottom, sir. Soldier on, you persistent bastard.

Change

2008-01-28T18:26:00.001-08:00

Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become. We've been big supporters of change ever since that strange purple pod attached itself to our face and deposited its egg sack into our stomach. The chrysalis we've begun constructing out of our own saliva, feces and hair provides shade in the summer and warmth in the winter, and the second voice that has been speaking in our heads (KILL) provides company during (KILL) lonely nights and (EAT THEIR VISCERA) long days. As our own sense of identity slips away and a new (ALL YOUR BASE) sense of identity begins to overcome (WE ARE LEGION) us, we remember that change (WE ARE BECOMING) is (THE BIRTHING IS COMPLETE)

Boldness

2007-06-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, it is neither the strongest nor the smartest that wins the day, but those most willing to dare. Sure, the Las Vegas magicians told you the Wall of Mystic Fire would keep you safe from Panthra, but did Panthra let that dissuade her from taking bold action? You may be the smarter mammal, but Panthra’s willingness to take the initiative has ensured that you are also the most eaten.

Potential

2007-05-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

The greatest ventures often come from the smallest of packages. As the mighty oak grows from the tiniest acorn, or the most overpriced internet company begins as two wankers in a garage, so too can the mightiest warrior sometimes come from the most palm-sized and convenient-to-carry infants.

Is that a chance you're willing to take? Crush the horrifically diminutive child before it grows to enormous proportions and destroys us all!

Leadership

2007-03-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

"Live daringly, boldly, fearlessly. Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you."

My large harem of females does all the actual hunting. Mostly I sit around licking myself, eating the largest portion of gazelle corpses my females bring me, and copulating with whomever happens to be in estrus at the time. If that’s not leadership, I don’t know what is.

2007-03-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

“The price of defeat is the undeniable knowledge that everyone around you knows you are a failure.”

That’s because you’re a LOSER! That’s right, you LOST! Who cares if it was just a pick-up game with those guys from Accounts Receivable on the twelfth floor? You still lost! Your loving family, volunteer work at the soup kitchen and successful career don’t mean crap, pal, because you LOST! You have no place in Corporate America, you LOSER! Get off this site! Go! You contaminate us all with your filthy, losing presence.

Commitment

2007-03-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

"The strongest force in the world is genuine and everlasting commitment".

Actually, the strongest force in the world is rising sea levels (followed by Lava, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Man Determined to Rise). In any event, your blessed union of souls is about to be submerged in a watery grave along with the rest of civilization. Maybe if you hadn’t been so committed to that carbon spewing SUV your devotion would have had a less soggy end?

Determination

2007-02-27T16:50:00.001-08:00

"There is in this world no greater force than the force of a man determined to rise".

Except for lava. It’s been a while since we’ve played “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lava, Man Determined to Rise,” but from what we remember, Lava wins that game pretty much every time. In fact, Man Determined to Rise consistently loses to Rock (Thrown at Head), Scissors (Running With), and Paper (Ow! Freaking Papercut!)

Bravery - We're not making this poster or this caption up

2007-02-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

"It takes an extraordinary person to face danger and maintain composure."

However, we prefer wearing full body armor and firing from a covered position several kilometers out of enemy range, ideally supported by significant air power and a nearby armor brigade.

The bravery of hand-to-hand combat is great and all, but we prefer to face the dangers of boredom to actual street warfare.

Tenacity

2007-02-24T13:37:00.000-08:00

God never closes a door, but He opens a window. Sometimes though, He opens a window AND a trapdoor underneath where you're standing, eroding your precious topsoil and plummeting you to an early death. God can be a Dick like that sometimes.

2007-02-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

Focus

Focus helps us collect the best energies of our organization toward a single purpose. The greatest resources cannot be efficiently applied without the ability to focus those resources . . . efficiently . . . I already said that, didn't I . . . did you know the plural of focus is 'foci'? Weird, huh? Anyway, focus . . . or foci in Latin or something . . . and there's a car called the Focus, too. Ford makes it, I think. There's also, I mean, it's just . . . it's just so important, you know? And this picture of a leopard is just really cool . . . where was I?

2007-02-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

Ambition

A person’s reach should exceed their grasp. But a person’s weight load should not exceed their hand strength, so it was probably a bad idea to attach your laptop and printer to your harness in the hopes of finally finding a quiet place to work. Ambition bites the nails of success. It also sweatens the palms of retarded adrenaline junkies. While we admire the spirit that led to the attempt, we admired the spectacular crater formed by your sudden descent even more.

2007-02-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in many forms. You can inspire with leadership, with kindness, or with a chainsaw. But the most inspiring thing of all is the sun, because it is an enormous ball of nuclear fire. And if you’re the guy that can hold the sun in your hands without being instantly turned into flaming plasma yourself, brother, you’re the person we want taking us places. If you’re not, stop kidding yourself and drop the sun, before someone gets hurt.

Execution

2007-02-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

Elaborately planning the world’s greatest, most picturesque revenge will ultimately feel hollow if you try to use your car battery as a power source, and the guy comes to after an hour. Also, you will probably end up having to ask him for a jump.

Faking It

2007-02-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

It’s not about working harder. It’s not even about working smarter. No, it’s about faking it. Did you know that 83% of successful CEOs have no idea what they’re doing? Of course you didn’t, I just made that number up. I FAKED it. But it’s true in spirit. And, in the end, isn’t spiritual truth more important than actual truth?

Of course it is.

Faking it is about more than looking earnest and gesturing with reading glasses with non-prescription lenses. It’s also about wearing a sharp suit, being white, male, waspy, and having the right haircut.

If you can master fakery, you can master anything. Actually, you can’t. But that won’t matter, because fakery is all you need.

I guarantee it.