Determination

"There is in this world no greater force than the force of a man determined to rise".

Except for lava. It’s been a while since we’ve played “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lava, Man Determined to Rise,” but from what we remember, Lava wins that game pretty much every time. In fact, Man Determined to Rise consistently loses to Rock (Thrown at Head), Scissors (Running With), and Paper (Ow! Freaking Papercut!)

Bravery - We're not making this poster or this caption up

"It takes an extraordinary person to face danger and maintain composure."

However, we prefer wearing full body armor and firing from a covered position several kilometers out of enemy range, ideally supported by significant air power and a nearby armor brigade.

The bravery of hand-to-hand combat is great and all, but we prefer to face the dangers of boredom to actual street warfare.

Tenacity

God never closes a door, but He opens a window. Sometimes though, He opens a window AND a trapdoor underneath where you're standing, eroding your precious topsoil and plummeting you to an early death. God can be a Dick like that sometimes.

Focus

Focus helps us collect the best energies of our organization toward a single purpose. The greatest resources cannot be efficiently applied without the ability to focus those resources . . . efficiently . . . I already said that, didn't I . . . did you know the plural of focus is 'foci'? Weird, huh? Anyway, focus . . . or foci in Latin or something . . . and there's a car called the Focus, too. Ford makes it, I think. There's also, I mean, it's just . . . it's just so important, you know? And this picture of a leopard is just really cool . . . where was I?

Ambition

A person’s reach should exceed their grasp. But a person’s weight load should not exceed their hand strength, so it was probably a bad idea to attach your laptop and printer to your harness in the hopes of finally finding a quiet place to work. Ambition bites the nails of success. It also sweatens the palms of retarded adrenaline junkies. While we admire the spirit that led to the attempt, we admired the spectacular crater formed by your sudden descent even more.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in many forms. You can inspire with leadership, with kindness, or with a chainsaw. But the most inspiring thing of all is the sun, because it is an enormous ball of nuclear fire. And if you’re the guy that can hold the sun in your hands without being instantly turned into flaming plasma yourself, brother, you’re the person we want taking us places. If you’re not, stop kidding yourself and drop the sun, before someone gets hurt.

Execution

Elaborately planning the world’s greatest, most picturesque revenge will ultimately feel hollow if you try to use your car battery as a power source, and the guy comes to after an hour. Also, you will probably end up having to ask him for a jump.

Faking It

It’s not about working harder. It’s not even about working smarter. No, it’s about faking it. Did you know that 83% of successful CEOs have no idea what they’re doing? Of course you didn’t, I just made that number up. I FAKED it. But it’s true in spirit. And, in the end, isn’t spiritual truth more important than actual truth?

Of course it is.

Faking it is about more than looking earnest and gesturing with reading glasses with non-prescription lenses. It’s also about wearing a sharp suit, being white, male, waspy, and having the right haircut.

If you can master fakery, you can master anything. Actually, you can’t. But that won’t matter, because fakery is all you need.

I guarantee it.

Humor

Humor is funny. Its the glue that keeps AMERICA great. But sometimes the glue isn't funny. Sometimes that glue is a HOAX DEVICE with many circuit boards and wires coming out of it. That's the double-edged sword that is the glue that is humor. The first edge can stick us together, but the second edge will cut us apart, shut down interstates, and block traffic for hours.

That's why glue, humor and double-edged cutting and thrusting implements need to be regulated in a post 9/11 world. We can't take our glue OR our humor for granted, or we might find them used against us, like a double-edged set of box cutters, or anthrax. Sure, it hurts to give up humor and pranks and nationwide ad campaigns, but those are the sacrifices we as Americans are asked to make in this world, this post 9/11 world, until our enemies are defeated, whoever they may be.

So remember what we are fighting for: FREEDOM. Freedom to laugh. But until that freedom is achieved by the defeat of the evil-doers that are our enemies, we cannot laugh, not even a little, not even for adhesive purposes.